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Market Alert: Shady Executive Merges With Corrupt Republican Establishment

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NEWS FROM THE FLORIDA DEMOCRATIC PARTY
For Immediate Release: Aug. 27, 2010
 
After the apparent truce coming out of yesterday's meeting between disgraced executive Rick Scott and indicted former RPOF Chairman Jim Greer's successor John Thrasher, Tallahassee Republican insiders are trying play down the huge rift in the Republican Party.
Because Florida Republicans have not had window into the RPOF's internal conversations, or "merger" talks as Thrasher described the conversation, since Delmar Johnson's infamous phone conversation with Jim Greer, we have no way of knowing what happened at this meeting.  Below is a press release we imagine may come out of yesterday's sit-down:
Market Alert: Shady Executive Merges With Corrupt Republican Establishment
Tallahassee, FL - Shady businessman Rick Scott announced that he will be merging with the Republican Party of Florida, citing the synergy needed to continue the Republican mess in Tallahassee which will be created by the joining of his shady business dealings and record of fraud with the Republican Party's culture of corruption. "In business, if I declared on Tuesday that the Tallahassee Establishment was 'crying in their cocktails' when I won and then I sat down just two days later to sip cocktails with those same insiders that I have been calling criminals for weeks, the Securities and Exchange Commission would have simply accused me of being a fraud. Now that I have already spent over $50 million to pump up my ego and buy the Republican nomination for governor, it is all considered legit by the establishment," declared candidate Rick Scott. "I guess the lesson here is that I am not the only one in politics for myself, the Republican establishment is just like me." "Speaking for the Republican establishment, I don't know why we funneled millions of dollars to defeat Rick Scott," Republican Chairman John Thrasher said. "With his shady past and record of fraud, he is a much better fit to lead the Republican Party of Florida than that other guy, what's his name again? Florida Republicans need a disgraced executive like Scott to continue the mess in Tallahassee. We Republicans want to continue taking Florida down the wrong path. We need someone who isn't just beholden to the special interests, but is actually a major special interest himself." Analysts across the political spectrum agree, with indicted Republican House Speaker Ray Sansom being one of the first to applaud the pairing, using Rick Scott's old "Do Not Show To Medicare Auditors" Stamp when he gave his approval.
Sansom said, "I'm only accused of conspiring to steal $6 million for an airplane hangar from Florida's taxpayers. Rick Scott oversaw the largest Medicare fraud in U.S. history and walked away with over $300 million. Hopefully, if Scott wins, he will pardon me and teach me how to better hide my role in alleged criminal activities."
Others applauding the deal today are Republican Chairman Jim Greer, himself under arrest for several felony counts, former Speaker Marco Rubio, Rep. Dean Cannon, and all other Republican politicians currently under scrutiny by the IRS and FBI in the half dozen federal corruption probes continuing into the RPOF. In a joint statement Greer, Rubio, and Cannon wrote, "After his primary opponent filed a criminal complaint against Rick Scott's current company, Solantic, accusing it of fraudulent practices similar to those that lead to Scott's ouster from Columbia/HCA, hopefully the FBI will be too distracted to continue their investigations into our alleged crimes. Embracing Rick Scott could keep all of us out of jail."
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*** Politifact Disclaimer: Clearly this is our Daily Show/Colbert Report inspired sarcastic version of how the RPOF's press release should have read as we try to provide some humor at the end of this long week. ***
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