MUST SEE 3/2 ranch-style family home in Southeast Tallahassee. Conveniently located close to downtown for quick access to lobbyists, special interests, and criminal defense attorneys specializing in campaign finance and ethics violations. 

AMENITIES:

• Industrial paper shredder
• Fully equipped laundry room (clothes only — no money)
• Thick window blinds to deter curious reporters and ensure interior remains as shady as the occupant
• Fully wired and cable ready
• All FBI bugs have been removed (the unit was professionally cleaned after the evidence recovery team concluded their sweep)

DON’T WAIT – this house is bound to go quickly! Owners are selling at a $10,000 loss to pay legal bills and campaign expenditures. 

IDEAL BUYER will not have a history of negligent payments, foreclosures, running up their employer’s credit card bills, or federal investigations into their finances. 

FINANCING: Due to past negative experiences, the Republican Party of Florida will no longer be accepted as a co-signer. Serious inquiries only. $100 application fee can be made out to either the ‘David Rivera Legal Defense Fund’ or to Marco Rubio’s ‘Reclaim America PAC.’ The application fee covers the cost of a credit check, extensive criminal background check, opposition research book, and a portion of the owners’ remaining balance on the RPOF American Express card.